Most of us are bad at accepting compliments. We can try and work on that - say thank you when receiving one and grow our self-esteem and comfort in accepting them. But if that feels uncomfortable too how about thinking of it like this: The person complimenting you has taken the time to notice something about you and decided it was worth voicing - thank them for taking the time and making the effort - maybe you can make it about their kindness instead of your discomfort. After all, they've offered you a verbal gift and you're rejecting it when denying the truth of their statements, which doesn’t show a lot of gratitude. And this method comes with a bonus! You’ll make them feel good about themselves – for being the kind of person to notice and say nice things. Either way, learn to take a compliment. It's a nice act and we could do with more of those. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice
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I presume you all know the saying: Treat others like you want to be treated. With kindness Respect Dignity Consideration Offer others a voice, a chance, fairness... I'd like to see a society where we do more of this, but you know what I’d like even more? A society where we treat others how they’d like to be treated. (My March journal entry is all about the dangers of assuming we know what others want.) What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I’ve previously written about asking an interesting question, one that moves us forward instead of getting us stuck. With everything going on in the media and world, it can be easy to assume that human beings are inherently horrible, selfish and cruel. To me – are humans good or bad – isn’t an interesting question though. The interesting question to me is: "Can we change"? And, "what will YOU be doing about it?" (I highly recommend that everyone read Humankind by Rutger Bergmann to challenge any inner human critic. He has a hopeful theory to share...) What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I don’t know if you know – but you don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations. But also, please remember, other people don’t have to live up to yours. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I was learning about shadow work (the parts of ourselves that we deny or ignore and that show up when angry with or judgemental towards others). I was angry but I couldn't figure out what my shadow was trying to tell me, so I complained about it to a friend: "I know a life coach who lies to get clients and it's making me so angry." "Why does it bother you?" My friend asked. "It's wrong!" I declared with superiority. "Why is it wrong?" I was challenged. "Because it hurts people." "How does it hurt people?" "People are spending money and making life decisions based on a lie." "And why is that a problem?" My friend goaded. "Because it's unkind!" I said with anger. What was he not getting?! "And what's your number one value?" "Kindness!" Duh, I felt like adding. "Do you think this coach thinks they're lying and deceiving people?" I paused. "I'm not sure. They say their number one value is honesty." "So, do you think, they think, they're being dishonest?" "I think, they think, they're being honest," I concluded. "So, is it kind to judge them as you have? Even if they are lying, is it kind to judge them on that?" "No." "What do you think the shadow is that got triggered by the coach's lies?" "The trigger was their unkindness and my shadow is a judgemental, superior bitch that I don't like existing within me. Being a judgemental, superior bitch isn't kind." "What do you think would happen, if you accepted your judgemental, superior bitch as part of you, just like everyone else has their dark sides?" Often when we judge, it's due to whatever part of ourselves that we're denying, hiding, feeling shamed or embarrassed about, or that we're suppressing. Acknowledging your shadow isn't about becoming a saint who doesn't judge or get angry. It's about becoming honest about your own dishonesty of your hidden self, and then treating that shadow part with acceptance and love. As my friend said: We're all just flawsome human beings. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou Do you ever correct people's spelling online or their pronunciation or choice of words when they’re talking, when your input hasn't been requested, or make a joke out of their mistake? Who benefits? What will your action achieve? Is there a hope that they will walk away, happily enlightened and grateful for the correction, feeling like a bettered person? Or, is there a chance you might make them feel not good enough? Do you do it for them? Or for you? Perfectionism is such a toxic poison - be careful when spreading it. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou Steve Chandler believes that "curiosity is love and caring in action. It's the most powerful relationship creator. (...) It's the opposite of fear." AA calls curiosity the adventurous side of uncertainty. For me, curiosity is the opposite of judgement and life-changing to our relationships (professionally, personally, intimately and internally) because it stops us from presuming the worst about other people's intentions. You can ask, with pretend curiosity, why someone did or said what they did, and maintain judgement. Or, you can ask, with genuine curiosity - allow me to see the world through your eyes - and during that period of listening, you can't also judge, because then you're not truly listening, nor truly being curious. Being curious opens the world up anew, reinforces or creates new connections, reduces harmful presumptions and judgement and unlocks new learning and growth for you, as a person. What's not to love? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou A friend said to me: "No one has been in touch to ask if I'm ok." She was hurt. She'd been battling anxiety since the beginning of the first lockdown, and as the Covid-19 restrictions were eased during the summer of 2020 and as her colleagues returned to the office, she got signed off sick - too panicky to go. I asked: "Have you asked any of your colleagues how they've been getting on, working through a pandemic in an over-filled office, never knowing if today would be the day they would catch Covid and bring it home to their families? Have you asked how they feel about, perhaps, feeling duty-bound to return when they’d rather be home too? Have you wondered if their anxiety makes them show up because they fear the judgement attached to not? Maybe they fear their managers more than they fear Covid?" She had not. Who takes the first step? Whose responsibility is it? When we feel hard done by, is it possible someone else has experienced it differently? When we feel misunderstood is it possible that we’re the ones misunderstanding? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou Don't underestimate the power of needing control and don't mock those who seek it. Humans are not designed to enjoy uncertainty. Uncertainty is not good for the genes' survival. When people stockpile toilet paper during a pandemic, show them kindness and empathy. They're more scared than you. When people protest against 5G, don't laugh and scowl. They feel far more powerless than you. When people stick around in bad relationships, don't call them stupid or shame them. They're far more worried about being alone and worthless than you. When people criticise others relentlessly, don't call them bullies and turn away. They dislike themselves far more than you or the people they criticise and are filled with pain. Conspiracy theorists and unkind or irrational actions are signals of fear, pain, disconnect and a sense of such great uncertainty, that certainty is being creatively created by generating alternative realities to feel in control, be that via actions or beliefs. Don't argue back. Don't play the eye-for-an-eye game. Don't belittle or get angry. Make generous presumptions about their personal struggles. Offer them compassion. They're as human as you. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou You can dismiss someone by saying ‘it is what it is’. It shuts down the conversation and it can make the other person feel unheard, misunderstood, not validated or ignored in their story. You may do the same by saying ‘it was meant to be’ or ‘it was God’s will’ or ‘YOLO’. It’s called a ‘thought-terminating cliché’ that doesn’t bring people closer and doesn’t show empathy. However, if you say ‘it is what it is’, ‘it’s in God’s hands’ or ‘carpe diem’ you may also bring a situation into perspective, you may offer a new point of view, you may reframe the meaning of the story at hand, it may calm the nervous system. That’s why it’s called an ‘emotion-regulating strategy’. “I feel sad because I was dumped but it is what it is” – for one person this may be a way to dismiss their sadness and not give it due attention because they don’t feel they deserve it. “I feel sad because I was dumped but it is what it is” – for another person this may bring some perspective. There’s nothing that can be done about this. It’s a fact that they feel sad and were dumped. It’s accepting reality while also allowing their feelings to be heard. Same words, different meanings. So, what are you to do? Never presume. Make your intentions clear – for yourself and others. Ask for their view instead of imposing your own. For it might be that it is what it is - but we can never know what that is for someone else. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though - it's your life, your choice! After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou |
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