I work with artists scared of putting their craft out there, in case they’re judged. I work with coaches scared of making themselves visible, in case they’re judged. I work with corporate employees scared of saying no, in case they’re judged. I work with women scared of speaking up, in case they’re judged. It’s not really the judgement we fear though, is it? It’s what we do with the judgment; it’s what we assume the judgement will lead to; it’s that we allow the judgement to dictate how we feel about ourselves and our worth, how we allow it to feed our insecurities and shame. And underneath all of that is the underlying fear of rejection – of being found not good or worthy enough, of losing out on connection. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, entirely normal, human and understandable. We’re hardwired for connection, not for rejection. We’re hardwired to seek safety and certainty, not risks, chasing fear or opening ourselves up to criticism and negative emotions. But, what has made us stand apart from other animals is our ability to change our relationship with a feeling and the meaning we’re drawing from a word or action like judgement, fear and shame. Our courage and boldness in feeling the fear and doing it anyway. If this blog is reaching you, you probably live a life of some privilege. Why not use this privilege to role model what you want to see more of in this world and in your life? For women to be assertive. For artists to focus more on adding beauty to the world instead of hiding and playing small. To lift others with your courage and your boldness by putting yourself out there. To show vulnerability and demonstrate that it’s safe for others to do so too, in your company. To stand up against oppression. To role model healthy boundaries, respect, acceptance, inclusion and making helpful choices. To role model safety by pausing your judgements, by helping to reduce shame instead of pushing it on others, by being mindful of your words, by being the kind of caring person that you’d like to be around yourself, that you hope to meet when you’re feeling fearful and insecure in showing up in this world. Because for every person who proudly declares that they don’t care what others think or say, there’s a person terrified of anyone finding out how deeply they actually care and how personally they take judgement. Why not be the change you want to see in the world - because surely that’s not a bitter, unkind, angry and judgemental person? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice
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"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." Henry David Thoreau. Read that again and then answer me: what have you set your current exchange rate at in this one life that you have? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Before you answer - who are you answering for? On whose authority? What's your own experience? And does it match others? We can use labels to help someone, or ourselves, to feel liberated, understood and accepted, but we can also use it to create shame and stigmatise, to box people, or ourselves, in, or to give them, or us, a voice. My label might not be your label. But my label isn't for you to judge or to free me from without my permission. "Parents of neurodivergent children: 'I don't want to limit them by putting a label on them.' Before I knew I was neurodivergent, my labels were: Stubborn, lazy, rebellious, difficult, stupid, flake, dumb. Now those have been replaced with autistic and ADHD." (NeuroDivergent Rebel). Before my label of dyslexia, I was also called lazy - despite spending three times longer studying - and stupid - despite seeing details others missed and being highly creative. Before my label of depression, I was a weirdo and utterly alone in my experience. The label made me feel seen and understood. It gave me a language for my lived experience. It felt liberating to know there was a word to describe my, previously, isolating feeling. But, after a while with my label of depression, I felt stuck and cursed for life. And after my label of dyslexia, I started to feel ashamed due to the deficit and disability labels attached to this diagnosis Now, neither matters. My labels don't own me. I own them. My labels aren't me. But they belong to me to do with as I see fit. Depression isn’t a disorder to me, it’s a sign that something is wrong that I need to address. It’s helpful, it’s guiding, it’s protective (even while the feeling itself is rubbish and hard to live alongside). My dyslexia label isn’t a disability nor a deficit, to me, it’s a different brain wiring that makes me excel in areas non-dyslexics don’t and can’t. Psychiatrist and trauma expert Gabor Mate says a diagnosis explains you but it doesn't define you. We're all entitled to our labels and our opinions about them but don't presume your opinion should be imprinted in someone else's ear. Which labels you accept as yours and the meaning and power you give the words you describe yourself with are not only your right but your choice and your responsibility. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Koi No Yokan is Japanese and refers to the sense that we can get when we've just met someone whom we’ll most certainly fall in love with. Il dolce far niente is Italian for 'the pleasure of doing nothing'. Hygge is an untranslatable Danish word for creating a cosy, connective, warm and healing atmosphere around you whether at work, at home alone or with friends or family. Iktsuarpok is Inuit for that antsy, anticipatory feeling before visitors arrive, noticing every little sound. Whereas awunbuk means the empty feeling after guests leave, according to the Indigenous Baining people of Papua New Guinea. And Kummerspeck is German for the weight you gain from emotional eating and translates to grief bacon. What happens to our experiences when we're limited by language or when we lack emotional words to accurately describe our feelings? What happens to our culture when we don't have a phrase referring to the pleasure of doing nothing and instead get caught up in 'hustle culture' and 'wasted time'? Or when self-care and 'hygge' aren't inherited traditions? Or, when we call something 'emotional eating' with all its negative connotations instead of acknowledging the sense of loss we're feeling that can lead to eating more? To, instead of saying 'I'm emotionally eating', say 'I'm going to enjoy some grief bacon'... What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice In 1853 Henry David Thoreau said: "How prompt we are to satisfy the hunger and thirst of our bodies, how slow to satisfy the hunger and thirst of our souls." How thoroughly we understand what's needed to become physically fit - the sacrifices, the hard work, the commitment and the time it takes. How poorly we are at understanding our minds' need for the same kind of patience, care and commitment. How quickly we are at reassuring a dear friend that they have nothing to be ashamed of, while we hide our own shame behind self-imposed stigma. How generously we allow others to live by one set of rules guided by kindness, and how ruthlessly we judge ourselves, creating separate, harsher and unrealistic rules. Whether 1853 or the 21st century – what’s changed? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Decision paralysis – it’s real and it’s very unpleasant. However, not making a decision is in itself a decision, so at least you’ve come this far. You can’t have it all – at least not all at once. You have to choose. And with each choice, something else will have to go by the wayside. That might cause you anguish or pain, but without choosing, everything will go by the wayside and you risk, eventually, being left with nothing. There is no such thing as truly staying stuck. It’s just a question of whether you’ll make a choice and step forward or someone or something else will do it for you, be that circumstances or time but forward you will move, whether you choose to be an active participant or not. There’s no such thing as true indecision, there’s just passive and active participation. Either way, you’ll move forward and it’ll still be your choice how much control you’re willing to give up in the process. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Addiction is an expression of an unmet need. There may be a genetic component as well as trauma. It’s not simply a lack of willpower or due to laziness. It’s complicated so let’s treat it with due respect, and care more about figuring out the cause than cast blind judgement. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I see people holding back because they don't know enough, because they haven't studied enough, because they haven't read enough - they are not experts yet. I get it. The fear of being wrong. The fear of doing wrong. The fear of judgement or rejection. Or, the fear of hurting someone and being unethical. The problem with being an expert is that you've claimed there is one truth, and you're the beholder. Know a lot. Speak with authority, if you like. Specialise. But, always make sure you're showing, role modelling, telling, disclaiming that you are portraying one truth, one perspective and that there is always room for growth, to be challenged, to learn a new way, a new perspective, a new truth, that there is room for change - otherwise, the only thing you're an expert in is in how to be wrong (but that’s just my opinion). What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Growing up we're taught to listen to answer. When our parents asked us something as children, they'd be looking for an answer - this might even be emphasised with an 'answer me!' And teachers don't tend to ask rhetorical questions in the classroom, nor do managers later in life. Soon, we're copying this behaviour, seen in the adults we grew up around, and we jump in to answer, even if the question isn’t even aimed at us, or if a friend expresses a problem, we might say: "I know what you should do!" That’s the art of conversation, after all, isn’t it? To listen and then respond, right? But, what if there was a different way to respond? A different type of answer? What I’m about to tell you is a game-changer. It’ll change your relationships – with your friends, your family, your partner, your colleagues and even with yourself. It’ll prevent you from falling into old, familiar patterns of arguing and interacting. It’ll strengthen your connections, it’ll educate you far more than any advice, it’ll breed greater understanding and it’ll make you instantly more likeable and popular. And it’s a super simple formula - but just because something is simple doesn’t mean it’s easy! Next time you’re in conversation with someone, don’t listen to answer, don’t listen to fix, don’t listen to find a solution or give advice or even share your opinion. Listen to understand. What are they wanting to communicate? What are they trying to express? What’s going on for them? What does their reality look like? Why are they sharing this? What are they needing and what are they wanting from you? And if you’re dying to jump in with your own words, let them be curious questions instead, or by repeating what you heard to make sure you understood what they were trying to say. Listening to answer is not the art of conversation. It’s the art of making the conversation about you and your cleverness. Listening to understand is the true art of caring conversations, of deepening and strengthening communications, relationships and connections. What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice How do you behave when you're the manager? What about when you're being managed? Are you a sore loser and an arrogant winner? Do you offer others the benefit of the doubt when they mess up? Do you wish you would be given the benefit of the doubt when you mess up? The way we act, react and interact changes depending on how good or bad we feel about something, someone or ourselves. What if that wasn't the case? What if you operated from your best self? What if you treated others with the generosity you wish for and upon yourself? What if you became more thoughtful and mindful before engaging outwardly? What's the story you tell yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever I, or anyone else shares, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - and make kind choices! #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice |
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