What have we gained by labelling certain emotions as good or bad? Or, perhaps more importantly, what have we lost by this act? None of our emotions are either good nor bad, they are all important signals. Signals of pleasure and joy, signals to pause, signals to re-assess and change, signals of satisfaction, signals to move away, signals of what is okay and what is not. If we were lost at sea, in the dark, we'd never condemn a lighthouse's guidance. We'd rejoice. We'd pay heed to it. Seek it out. Once safe, we'd change direction. Try again. Try anew. Knowing we'd always be able to find a safe harbour if we just follow the guiding light. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice
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This is an odd message coming from a therapeutic coach. I work in the industry of change, personal development and growth. People seek out counsellors and life coaches to change. And yet, they resist. They don't 'do the work'. They stay stuck. They blame themselves. They get angry or sad. They criticise themselves. They cry, rage, rant, and go ‘round in circles. What if you've grown up never feeling good enough? Always striving to improve. Always being told to do better, to try harder. Never feeling understood or accepted. What if this has made you so unhappy, that you now seek change? Seek a better life, a happier life. Seek a different way of being. What if coming to see someone like me, offering you insights, suggestions, tools, strategies, options and tasks makes some part of you feel not good enough, yet again? Not accepted as you are. What if your resistance is a small voice saying: See me! Understand me! Accept me as I am! Flaws and all. What if you're seeking change based on minimising the unacceptable part of yourself? The ugly? The sad? The stuck? The misunderstood? The unwanted? The rejected? The humiliated? What if true transformation is to accept what is and not seek what could be? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Humans are incredibly simple and yet, some of the most complicated animals on this planet. We're designed for survival. We're hardwired for survival. We're programmed for survival. We need connection, belonging and physical touch. We need to feel in control and create certainty in our environment. We need to feel safe and secure. Basic needs and yet they drive almost everything we do. We also need to thrive to feel alive – to feel like we matter, that we contribute, that there’s a meaning and purpose to this life and what we’re doing with it, to feel free and to create, be that via cave paintings or constantly finding new ways to make, hear and appreciate sounds. When you look at someone who has a problem in living, you’ll be looking at someone whose basic needs aren’t being met. They might say that they’re surviving but not thriving, not feeling alive. That's where we become deeply complex entities. We want to create but we fear judgement. We want to stand out but fear rejection. We want adventure but crave control. We want to feel free but crave connection. We want novelty but need certainty. We want adventure but need safety and security. We want to feel happy but think ourselves into unhappiness. We fear meaninglessness and death and yet, most of us live on autopilot. What are you overcomplicating to avoid a greater sense of life satisfaction? What basic needs are you not feeding thus creating a story so complex it's paralysing you from action? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice The western world is known for its individualism, and though encouraged and culturally celebrated, it's often also compared to the eastern culture's collective, which is often considered 'better' and more helpful than the selfish individual of the west. I disagree with such simple distinctions. A collective mentality brings heartache and mental health issues aligned with individualism. It's not the collective or the individual that's the problem, it's the values at play that can cause hurt. Individualism doesn't translate into egocentrism or selfishness. You can put yourself first, and you can focus largely on yourself, but part of this self, this focus, could be to give to charity, volunteer, be kind, spread compassion and to try to improve one's community. Thinking of others first, and putting the collective ahead of yourself can cause depression, anxiety, and fear of failing one's tribe and lead to suicide to avoid disgrace or losing face; it can lead to erasing any sense of self, shutting down individual creativity and thinking outside of the box to invent new and better ways of living, for ourselves as well as the greater good. There are cultural norms but there is also individual responsibility for how you choose to show up in this world and live your best life. What are your values and do they serve more than yourself without diminishing the importance of you? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering?
Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice If you want to know one of the most unhelpful pieces of advice we can give another human it's 'put a lid on it'. It's up there with 'calm down' when someone is really worked up, or 'let it go' when someone is hurt, or 'shake it off' when someone is upset. It's not only unhelpful, it's damaging and an incredibly stupid thing to suggest. Our emotions are there to be expressed. They serve a purpose. Am I saying all should rage and scream as they see fit when they see fit? No. But there's a big difference between managing emotions and learning to understand and express your emotions helpfully compared to 'putting a lid on it' which translates into ignoring, containing, bottling up and forcing down. That serves no one, not least the suppressor. Our emotions tell a story – why not invite someone to share what that story is instead of shaming them into silence? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I had a client tell me, quietly, that she'd felt ashamed after a harsh comment she’d made about her colleagues in our previous session. She felt ashamed by her comment, by me having witnessed it and that she felt shame at all as that wasn't a compassionate way of being (something we were working on). But as I told her, there is nothing wrong with feeling ashamed, or shame, or guilt, or anger or any of the other emotions labelled as 'negative' or 'bad'. All our emotions serve a purpose, and the idea is to listen to them, not ignore them, avoid them, numb them or deny them. If we're feeling something we label as negative, it's a good idea to listen to ourselves and tap into why and what we'd like to do about it, because all of our emotions are signalling: Do more of this or do less of that. As Shakespeare said: Nothing is neither good or bad, but thinking makes it so. The emotions Western society has labelled as negative can be thought of as bad, as something to avoid or numb, or it could be seen as something good, as there to help us make the right decision or to do the right thing, to live closer to our values and beliefs or to inform us it’s time to change our behaviours. Taking a step back when feeling or experiencing something we perceive as negative, telling ourselves that this is neither good nor bad, it simply is what it is and meeting and being with your emotions from that place can give us the distance we need to not drown in our emotions but, instead, create solutions. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice I work with artists scared of putting their craft out there, in case they’re judged. I work with coaches scared of making themselves visible, in case they’re judged. I work with corporate employees scared of saying no, in case they’re judged. I work with women scared of speaking up, in case they’re judged. It’s not really the judgement we fear though, is it? It’s what we do with the judgment; it’s what we assume the judgement will lead to; it’s that we allow the judgement to dictate how we feel about ourselves and our worth, how we allow it to feed our insecurities and shame. And underneath all of that is the underlying fear of rejection – of being found not good or worthy enough, of losing out on connection. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, entirely normal, human and understandable. We’re hardwired for connection, not for rejection. We’re hardwired to seek safety and certainty, not risks, chasing fear or opening ourselves up to criticism and negative emotions. But, what has made us stand apart from other animals is our ability to change our relationship with a feeling and the meaning we’re drawing from a word or action like judgement, fear and shame. Our courage and boldness in feeling the fear and doing it anyway. If this blog is reaching you, you probably live a life of some privilege. Why not use this privilege to role model what you want to see more of in this world and in your life? For women to be assertive. For artists to focus more on adding beauty to the world instead of hiding and playing small. To lift others with your courage and your boldness by putting yourself out there. To show vulnerability and demonstrate that it’s safe for others to do so too, in your company. To stand up against oppression. To role model healthy boundaries, respect, acceptance, inclusion and making helpful choices. To role model safety by pausing your judgements, by helping to reduce shame instead of pushing it on others, by being mindful of your words, by being the kind of caring person that you’d like to be around yourself, that you hope to meet when you’re feeling fearful and insecure in showing up in this world. Because for every person who proudly declares that they don’t care what others think or say, there’s a person terrified of anyone finding out how deeply they actually care and how personally they take judgement. Why not be the change you want to see in the world - because surely that’s not a bitter, unkind, angry and judgemental person? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." Henry David Thoreau. Read that again and then answer me: what have you set your current exchange rate at in this one life that you have? What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Before you answer - who are you answering for? On whose authority? What's your own experience? And does it match others? We can use labels to help someone, or ourselves, to feel liberated, understood and accepted, but we can also use it to create shame and stigmatise, to box people, or ourselves, in, or to give them, or us, a voice. My label might not be your label. But my label isn't for you to judge or to free me from without my permission. "Parents of neurodivergent children: 'I don't want to limit them by putting a label on them.' Before I knew I was neurodivergent, my labels were: Stubborn, lazy, rebellious, difficult, stupid, flake, dumb. Now those have been replaced with autistic and ADHD." (NeuroDivergent Rebel). Before my label of dyslexia, I was also called lazy - despite spending three times longer studying - and stupid - despite seeing details others missed and being highly creative. Before my label of depression, I was a weirdo and utterly alone in my experience. The label made me feel seen and understood. It gave me a language for my lived experience. It felt liberating to know there was a word to describe my, previously, isolating feeling. But, after a while with my label of depression, I felt stuck and cursed for life. And after my label of dyslexia, I started to feel ashamed due to the deficit and disability labels attached to this diagnosis Now, neither matters. My labels don't own me. I own them. My labels aren't me. But they belong to me to do with as I see fit. Depression isn’t a disorder to me, it’s a sign that something is wrong that I need to address. It’s helpful, it’s guiding, it’s protective (even while the feeling itself is rubbish and hard to live alongside). My dyslexia label isn’t a disability nor a deficit, to me, it’s a different brain wiring that makes me excel in areas non-dyslexics don’t and can’t. Psychiatrist and trauma expert Gabor Mate says a diagnosis explains you but it doesn't define you. We're all entitled to our labels and our opinions about them but don't presume your opinion should be imprinted in someone else's ear. Which labels you accept as yours and the meaning and power you give the words you describe yourself with are not only your right but your choice and your responsibility. What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice Koi No Yokan is Japanese and refers to the sense that we can get when we've just met someone whom we’ll most certainly fall in love with. Il dolce far niente is Italian for 'the pleasure of doing nothing'. Hygge is an untranslatable Danish word for creating a cosy, connective, warm and healing atmosphere around you whether at work, at home alone or with friends or family. Iktsuarpok is Inuit for that antsy, anticipatory feeling before visitors arrive, noticing every little sound. Whereas awunbuk means the empty feeling after guests leave, according to the Indigenous Baining people of Papua New Guinea. And Kummerspeck is German for the weight you gain from emotional eating and translates to grief bacon. What happens to our experiences when we're limited by language or when we lack emotional words to accurately describe our feelings? What happens to our culture when we don't have a phrase referring to the pleasure of doing nothing and instead get caught up in 'hustle culture' and 'wasted time'? Or when self-care and 'hygge' aren't inherited traditions? Or, when we call something 'emotional eating' with all its negative connotations instead of acknowledging the sense of loss we're feeling that can lead to eating more? To, instead of saying 'I'm emotionally eating', say 'I'm going to enjoy some grief bacon'... What's the story you’re telling yourself, and is it helpful or hindering? Remember though, with whatever you read online, take what you like and leave the rest because it's your life and, therefore, your choice of how to live it. After all, this is the Manual of YOU! Until next time, take care, stay safe - and sane - make kind choices and stay flawsome! Don’t forget, you’re fucking brilliant! (This was written by a human – a dyslexic one at that! Yay!) #CultureOfImperfection #GenerousContribution #RadicalKindness #EthicalLiving #ConnectingCommunities #ReframingNarratives #TheManualOfYou #YourLifeYourChoice |
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