 Existentialism is a philosophy as well as a counselling and coaching method.
There are many schools of thought but one goes like this: You must have these 5 things in your life to be happy/live a satisfying life
How many can you tick off? And if any are missing, do you think they're necessary? If so, what can you do about it? Your life, your choice!
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 Regrets leave you stuck in the past, changes nothing but worse is the presumption that if you'd done things differently it would have worked out for the better.
It might have worked out for the worse. Sliding Doors taught us we could end up with a better haircut, a nicer man and a better job but, in reality, it might have meant being pushed out in front of the train instead and end of story. Live forward, not backwards. Your life, your choice!  The more you have, the more you want but the less you need.
Not only does desire for unneeded things fuel the damaging capitalist machine but it also increases unhappiness. Likewise, the more entitled you feel, the bigger the chance that you won't get what you feel entitled to, so it decreases your joy due to losing out, as well as the joy of what you already have. It's a lose-lose scenario. Your life, your choice!  Blame is the redistribution of guilt.
'I don't like feeling like this so I'll make it your problem.' 'I don't like taking responsibility for my life, so I'll make you take ownership of it (and then resent you for it).' 'I fucked up, but it's your fault because I don't like the discomfort of this fuck up.' The opposite of blame is responsibility. The best way to take control of life is owning your choices. The best way to show maturity is to not pass on what's your feelings to deal with. The best way to feel less guilty is to give back responsibility to others where due. 'Here, I'll hold my 50% and you hold yours.' Going Dutch, split the bill, even steven. Your life, your choice!  What's in a label?
A label is a short-hand that allows us a common language and understanding. It's gives us quick access to knowledge about something but usually, unfortunately, it leads to stereotypes and assumptions too. Labels can be a relief. They can offer you an explanation you lacked before. It's sense making. But labels can also trap you in a prison of "you're now this label". You're a depressed person. You're a disabled person. Labels can lead to negative stereotypes. You're a scrounger. You're stupid. You're a burden. You're crazy. You're NOT your label. Your label doesn't explain what happened to you. Your label doesn't get to be used against you, but people might try. Your label isn't YOU. Don't let it define you but don't waste time on people who wants to do that to you either. Regardless of the label, you're first and foremost a person of value and worth. Your life, your choice!  If you go see a coach, or counsellor, or a doctor, or a physio or anyone else who's there to support you with your pain or obstacles, whether physically or emotionally - don't forget, you're the expert.
You're the expert in how you feel, how you act, how you think and how you live. You're the expert of how you pain feels, whether mental or physical and the expert in how it impacts your body and mind. You're the expert on what you see as an obstacle and what is the right kind of solution for your unique self. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, tries to act the expert - get out, and get away. They're interested in making themselves feel good, not you. Your life, your choice!  There's been a lot of good initiatives in the world, from social media, allowing long-distance connection and sharing, to positive (strength-focussed) psychology, to helping people in the developing world with food, tools, initiatives.
But sooner or later we seem to always push it too far, and we add 'toxic' to it: The toxic impact social media has on mental health, the toxic way positive psychology is used (by some) to silence your negative feelings, the toxicity of the saviour-complex when celebrities spotlight impoverished places. Now, self-care can join the ranks. It's all the rage. It's shouted from the roof tops but then you don't feel better about your (toxic) work stress after a bubble bath and you hate on yourself. Why can't you succeeded at self-care? you question. All good initiatives are good as long as you don't use them for control and manipulation (social media), or to shame yourself or others (positivity and self-care) and good initiatives stay good when you're committed to truly helping others and don't just do it for the selfies and applauds (fake generosity). You control the narrative, so use it for good. Your life, your choice!  For every Hitler there's a Gandhi; for every selfish act, there's a kind in the making; for every loss there's a new life beginning somewhere else; for every disaster, there's a miraculous invention or coincidence.
That's life. The point isn't if there is more of one than the other. The point is what you choose to focus on? The point is, do you trust yourself enough to let go, to believe in the good, to accept what is, to have a little faith (even if you're of the atheist kind and simply choose to believe in better)? Trust it'll work out, that you will manage and that there'll always be a new way and solution without the need for control and anxiety? After all, when did excess worrying help you out or a detailed future plan work out as wanted? The choice is yours... so, what will it be?  I'm curious...
If you're new here, you might not know that I claim that every belief you hold is just a story. Even if you believe in science and data, to someone else that may not be a truth and so your belief becomes a story. I don't say that to spark a hefty debate but simply to invite you to a space of thinking more relaxed about your convictions. Not to plant doubts about your truth but to become more gentle, open-minded and compassionate towards others' truths. Now, imagine you could embrace this idea: Everything is a story that we're simply telling ourselves - what would happen next time you get angry and instead of letting it consume you or react from a place of anger, you pause, slow down and think 'the story I'm telling myself is...' and observe your anger and the story fuelling it, instead of engaging head-on with it. What might happen? Now, imagine you can do that with all your unwanted or uncomfortable feelings? Not identify as you being 'lazy', or 'stupid', or 'a fraud' but noting it as simply being a story you're telling yourself based on a narrative pushed by society or your family or politics. What might happen? Now, imagine you question your story: Is this story really true? Can I now absolutely that this is true? Who am I with and who am I without this story? Your life, your choice!  How to be a great teacher, leader, facilitator, parent, coach?
You need people to want to be there. You need something worthwhile to teach them. You need profound respect for them. They need to know they matter. And you need to let them speak more than you do. Your life, your choice! |