 Do you want to know a person's character?
Do you want to know if your partner loves you and have changed after the last argument? Do you want to know if you can trust your friends? Do you want to know if your family has your back? Want to examine your own character? Look at the actions. Actions prove who someone is. Words just show an ideal version. Your life, your choice!
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 If someone sped past you, driving way too fast, in the city centre - how might you react?
Might you feel angry or disgusted? Might you raise your arms in protest? Might you judge? What might lie behind such a reaction? Why did the event trigger you? Maybe you believe that such a driver must be stupid and careless. Maybe you're concerned about the dangers of driving like that. Maybe you think the driver is a lame and embarrassing boy-racer. Regardless, none of these preconceptions would be kind, right? And what if the driver had stopped to engage? Might you have yelled? Might it have felt justified? What if the driver had yelled back, calling you an idiot? How likely is it that your exchange would have been ineffective and unhelpful, leaving both of you feeling none the wiser about the other, but still fuming? What if, instead, you'd calmly explained that, based on the way you've been raised, such driving is considered reckless and you worried about other people's safety and you said that you'd be curious to know more about the driver's own perspective and motivations? What if he'd replied calmly how he saw the world, compared to you and even if you didn't agree, you'd learned a new perspective? Might such communication have felt more effectively and build understanding, trust, connection and might you both have walked away a little bit wiser and a little less triggered? Your life, your choice!  Where do entrepreneurs get their ideas from?
How do some manage to stay so calm? Why don't those people get stressed and anxious before a presentation? How do authors manage to write so much? You buy these qualities and abilities a a small, magic shop on the corner of Neverland and Wonderland. Well, of course not. You gain these qualities and abilities through hard work, commitment, practice and not quitting because it's hard, boring or takes time. You generate more ideas by spending time having one bad idea and then another bad idea until they become less bad and eventually good. You become more calm, less stress and worried when you commit to a daily practice of feeding your mind the good stuff and less of the bad (negative self-talk, blame, judgement, overthinking). It takes time, it takes work and it takes effort. You get more writing done, or get fitter, or create art, or finish books, or get that project done by doing it, a little every day instead of trying to take too much on in too short a time. There's no magic. Just your commitment. Wishing is a lot easier than doing but usually yields far poorer results. Your life, your choice!  I often get asked: How do I stop feeling guilty.
My question is: Why would you want to? Guilt is an alarm bell telling you that you are or have violated a value or belief that's important to you. I once heard of a woman who was leaving her job but she couldn't tell her bosses. If she told them too early, they were likely to remove her earned bonus which she relied on for her children's college fees. But she also had a beliefs that said: Don't lie. Be loyal. Don't cause problems for others. So, she felt guilty for lying and felt disloyal, and so felt even more guilty. But what if she learned to see and feel guilt as a good feeling? It's alerting her to what's important. Instead of running away from it, why not honour it as the feeling you get because you're a kind and considered person? After all, sociopaths and narcissists don't feel guilt. What would happen if we felt happy about guilt as it's a moral compass? Leaned in to it? Asked it questions like: What's better - the short relief of guilt by doing X, or the long-term benefits of sticking to my guns and doing Y and live with guilt for a little while? Your life, your choice!  How many of us check the doors and windows before going to bed?
How many of us daily check our bank accounts for in- and outgoings? How many of us check our emails, religiously, just in case we missed something? How many of us scroll through social media due to FOMO and procrastination? How many of us read the news because it's important to be in the know? How many of us have rituals in the morning that's based on checking if anything has changed during the night? How many of us waste hours of every day on worrying? How many of us could benefit from going to bed, checking how we feel instead? Taking a moment to think of all the good stuff the day offered? How many of us could benefit from starting the morning by writing down our thoughts and wishes for the day? Set an intention instead of giving apps all our attention and allow them to control of our emotions before we're even out of bed? How many of us could benefit from considering what we're looking forward to today, instead of everything we're dreading? How many of us could benefit from focussing on 'what is' rather than 'what if'? Choose how you want to design your day and what you give your attention and control to. Your life, your choice!  Can we be truly altruistic or is there always a benefit to oneself, like getting praise from others? Is there such a thing as a truly unselfish act?
Is practising self-care, making sure you don't run out of battery, selfish? When a coach or therapist asks if a client found a session helpful are they just trying to soothe their own egos? These questions aren't interesting. What's interesting is why we're so fearful of the ego. An ego-maniac won't care about others, they'll potentially hurt people in their quest for what they want and they're not interested in personal insight, just person gain. Sure, but that's not what we're talking about, is it? We're talking about 'ego strength' - the behaviours driven by our egos that offer kindness, balance and benefits others. The opposite of being an ego-maniac isn't hating yourself. It's compassion and a healthy dose of self-consideration. Your life, your choice!  We should whimper and moan the hardship of life and share a tear as much as we should celebrate our successes and share moments of joy.
It's called balance. The very worst thing you can do is deny yourself both and think that's normal! Your life, your choice!  "It is madness
says reason It is what it is says love It is unhappiness says calculation It is nothing but pain says fear It has no future says insight It is what it is says love It is ridiculous says pride It is foolish says caution It is impossible says experience It is what it is says love" What It Is by Erich Fried (translated by Stuart Hood)  I can't help but wonder how much we damage love between two people when we say what we don't actually mean. When our hurt is expressed through anger.
And how much further we grow apart as we don't say the things we mean. When fear silence us. And how our fear of hurting others with our felt truth is the thing that causes the most pain in the end as we slowly drift apart. Or how our fear of hurt by being honest leaves us feeling lonely and unloved in a world of words unsaid. Your life, your choice!  One could argue that opinions are the lowest form of expressing intelligence.
It requires no degrees, research, accountability or effort. One could argue that compassion is the highest form of expressing intelligence. It demands empathy and kindness, understanding and openness. Both logic and emotions. You have to suspend your ego and be willing to see the world through someone else's eyes. Opinions divides whereas compassion unites. Your life, your choice! |